A New Novel, Part 195 May I Speak to You?
For those who haven’t been following this blog, let me introduce it a little. I am currently blogging my 21st novel that has the working title Daemon. The novel is about Aksinya, a sorceress, who, to save her family from the Bolsheviks, called and contracted the demon, Asmodeus. Her family was murdered anyway, and she fled with the demon from Russia to Austria.
At noon Father Dobrushin returns to the Ecclesia. He wishes to to speak with Aksinya, just as he promised the evening before. This is also chapter and scene setting time. We are beginning chapter 16...
At noon, Father Dobrushin returned to the Ecclesia. As soon as the midday prayers were over, he came into the kitchen and asked Ekaterina, “Where is she?”
Ekaterina looked up from her pots and pointed with her chin toward the small back room.
Father Dobrushin went down the short hall to the door. It was cracked open and Aksinya knelt on the floor and lay partially over the small cot. The priest cleared his throat and pushed the door open the rest of the way.
Aksinya leapt up from the floor like a child caught in a misdeed. She rubbed her eyes before she turned and faced Father Dobrushin. Her eyes were moist and red.
Father Dobrushin was silent for a moment then he stroked his beard, “May I speak with you?”
Aksinya ducked her head. She rubbed her face in the coarse fabric of her sleeves, “I don’t know what is wrong with my eyes lately. They will not stop watering.”
Father Dobrushin made a noncommittal sound. Aksinya slowly sat on the edge of the cot.
Since I have problems getting on line. I'll try to give you short pieces with some commentary. The chief point here is the setting of chapter 16 and the first scene in chapter 16. I give you the time--it's noon. The place--the Ecclesia. The participants--first Father Dobrushin. He goes through Ekaterina to get to Aksinya. Aksinya is in the small room she first woke in.
The setting of the place is so important to the novel, I give you another description of where it is from the kitchen. Aksinya is obviously in prayer. She believes, now to some degree that her prayers are being heard--otherwise, why pray?
Father Dobrushin is a gentleman--he makes a noise before he enters. He didn't have to, the door was open. Watch Akssinya's reaction. She leaps to her feet as if she was caught in a misdeed. She isn't used to any of this--her life is changing. Her eyes are moist and red.
Father Dobrushin tries to be kind and comes across slightly brusk--he asks to speak to her. Aksinya still acts like a guilty child. She is still confused about her tears. Father Dobrushin isn't certain what to do about this either. Tomorrow, the beginning of their conversation.
Showing posts with label cry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cry. Show all posts
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
A New Novel, Part 192 Should I Beat You?
A New Novel, Part 192 Should I Beat You?
For those who haven’t been following this blog, let me introduce it a little. I am currently blogging my 21st novel that has the working title Daemon. The novel is about Aksinya, a sorceress, who, to save her family from the Bolsheviks, called and contracted the demon, Asmodeus. Her family was murdered anyway, and she fled with the demon from Russia to Austria.
Matushka Ekaterina is a very wise and well trained woman. She is comforting the distraught Aksinya...
“No, I think I loved her, but I killed her.” Aksinya let out a sob, “Why did I make that sound? What’s wrong with me?” Her shoulders shuddered.
Ekaterina moved next to Aksinya. She put her arms around the girl.
Aksinya sobbed again in a hoarse whisper, “You shouldn’t try to comfort me. Instead of comfort, I beat Natalya. I don’t deserve comfort.”
“Everyone who is confessed deserves comfort. That is what we call agape love.”
“I see. I wish I could see Natalya. I miss her so much.” Aksinya buried her face in her arms. Aksinya couldn’t speak for a while, “Do you think she will hate me now?”
“She may hate you.”
“Do you think that is why I am so sad?”
“I think there are many reasons why you are sad.” She gently stroked Aksinya’s hair.
“You really shouldn’t try to comfort me. I should not be comforted.”
Ekaterina held her more tightly, “Should I beat you?”
“It might be a good idea.”
“You said you were in pain already.”
“I am in great pain.”
“Is it from your burns?”
“Yes.”
“Then there is no reason to beat you if you are already in pain.”
“I see,” Aksinya sobbed.
“Why don’t you tell me about yourself?”
“Will that help you to love me?”
“Yes, and it will help me get to know you.”
Aksinya's confession was not over. The morning just continues what the night had begun. Aksinya is overwrought. She is crying and she doesn't even understand what it is to cry. She is in pain for many reasons, but doesn't connect her sadness with the pain she obviously feels in her heart.
Ekaterina is very compassionate and well trained at her job as the Matushka of the Ecclesia. She comforts Aksinya. Listen to her gentle, but strong tone. I intentionally don't use much description in this scene so you will be drawn to Aksinya's words as well as her sadness.
Aksinya has a truly contrite heart. She desires punishment to atone for her sin and evil. Ekaterina's attitude is perfectly correct--the repentant deserve comfort. That is indeed agape love. God will not forgive without repentance and the repentant heart is a beautiful thing. Aksinya could never see herself as beautiful at this time, but there is a beauty and serenity in her childish confession and childish view of the world. It is still a world she does not fully understand.
Aksinya really did love Natalya. She knows there has been a great breach in their trust and that breach might result in hate. The theme about wishing to see Natalya is a foreshadowing and a recurring theme. Ekaterina does not candy coat Aksinya's problems--Natalya might hate you. Aksinya asks a very childlike question: “Do you think that is why I am so sad?” We know why she is sad. We know why Aksinya weeps. We know that something monumental has happened in the life of this small, unloved, and unpretty woman who is Aksinya. Aksinya cannot grasp what has happened.
Still, within the person who is Aksinya is still the Aksinya we know. Listen to her response:“You really shouldn’t try to comfort me. I should not be comforted.” She tells Ekaterina she should beat her--just as she beat Natalya. Did you catch that. Still Aksinya is already in pain and that pain is a direct consequence of her confession and previous actions. Do you see the wonderful irony in this. She wishes to be punished, yet she already is being punished. This is what Ekaterina tells her in not so many words. Then the Matushka asks the question we have wanted to ask Aksinya since the beginning: “Why don’t you tell me about yourself?” We wanted to ask this of Aksinya. We wanted to know more about her life. I give you this through Ekaterina. It is part of Aksinya's therapy. It is part of her confession. Tomorrow, about Aksinya.
For those who haven’t been following this blog, let me introduce it a little. I am currently blogging my 21st novel that has the working title Daemon. The novel is about Aksinya, a sorceress, who, to save her family from the Bolsheviks, called and contracted the demon, Asmodeus. Her family was murdered anyway, and she fled with the demon from Russia to Austria.
Matushka Ekaterina is a very wise and well trained woman. She is comforting the distraught Aksinya...
“No, I think I loved her, but I killed her.” Aksinya let out a sob, “Why did I make that sound? What’s wrong with me?” Her shoulders shuddered.
Ekaterina moved next to Aksinya. She put her arms around the girl.
Aksinya sobbed again in a hoarse whisper, “You shouldn’t try to comfort me. Instead of comfort, I beat Natalya. I don’t deserve comfort.”
“Everyone who is confessed deserves comfort. That is what we call agape love.”
“I see. I wish I could see Natalya. I miss her so much.” Aksinya buried her face in her arms. Aksinya couldn’t speak for a while, “Do you think she will hate me now?”
“She may hate you.”
“Do you think that is why I am so sad?”
“I think there are many reasons why you are sad.” She gently stroked Aksinya’s hair.
“You really shouldn’t try to comfort me. I should not be comforted.”
Ekaterina held her more tightly, “Should I beat you?”
“It might be a good idea.”
“You said you were in pain already.”
“I am in great pain.”
“Is it from your burns?”
“Yes.”
“Then there is no reason to beat you if you are already in pain.”
“I see,” Aksinya sobbed.
“Why don’t you tell me about yourself?”
“Will that help you to love me?”
“Yes, and it will help me get to know you.”
Aksinya's confession was not over. The morning just continues what the night had begun. Aksinya is overwrought. She is crying and she doesn't even understand what it is to cry. She is in pain for many reasons, but doesn't connect her sadness with the pain she obviously feels in her heart.
Ekaterina is very compassionate and well trained at her job as the Matushka of the Ecclesia. She comforts Aksinya. Listen to her gentle, but strong tone. I intentionally don't use much description in this scene so you will be drawn to Aksinya's words as well as her sadness.
Aksinya has a truly contrite heart. She desires punishment to atone for her sin and evil. Ekaterina's attitude is perfectly correct--the repentant deserve comfort. That is indeed agape love. God will not forgive without repentance and the repentant heart is a beautiful thing. Aksinya could never see herself as beautiful at this time, but there is a beauty and serenity in her childish confession and childish view of the world. It is still a world she does not fully understand.
Aksinya really did love Natalya. She knows there has been a great breach in their trust and that breach might result in hate. The theme about wishing to see Natalya is a foreshadowing and a recurring theme. Ekaterina does not candy coat Aksinya's problems--Natalya might hate you. Aksinya asks a very childlike question: “Do you think that is why I am so sad?” We know why she is sad. We know why Aksinya weeps. We know that something monumental has happened in the life of this small, unloved, and unpretty woman who is Aksinya. Aksinya cannot grasp what has happened.
Still, within the person who is Aksinya is still the Aksinya we know. Listen to her response:“You really shouldn’t try to comfort me. I should not be comforted.” She tells Ekaterina she should beat her--just as she beat Natalya. Did you catch that. Still Aksinya is already in pain and that pain is a direct consequence of her confession and previous actions. Do you see the wonderful irony in this. She wishes to be punished, yet she already is being punished. This is what Ekaterina tells her in not so many words. Then the Matushka asks the question we have wanted to ask Aksinya since the beginning: “Why don’t you tell me about yourself?” We wanted to ask this of Aksinya. We wanted to know more about her life. I give you this through Ekaterina. It is part of Aksinya's therapy. It is part of her confession. Tomorrow, about Aksinya.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
A New Novel, Part 191 Do You Hate Me?
A New Novel, Part 191 Do You Hate Me?
For those who haven’t been following this blog, let me introduce it a little. I am currently blogging my 21st novel that has the working title Daemon. The novel is about Aksinya, a sorceress, who, to save her family from the Bolsheviks, called and contracted the demon, Asmodeus. Her family was murdered anyway, and she fled with the demon from Russia to Austria.
Aksinya confessed to the priests and Matushka at the Ecclesia in Wien. She wakes the next morning and is greeted by Matushka Ekaterina...
Ekaterina smiled, “You may call me Ekaterina, Countess.”
Aksinya’s lips didn’t exactly smile, but they turned up a little, “I wish you would call me Aksinya.”
“You know that isn’t possible, Countess.”
“It would please me, Ekaterina. Because of what I really am.”
“We all have our own problems… and sins… even the nobility.”
“Perhaps you don’t understand…”
“I heard it all last night.”
“Oh…then you hate me.”
Ekaterina laughed, “Not anymore than anyone else. It depends on what you mean by hate… and love. You know your Greek?”
Aksinya nodded.
“I am called to love you with the love only God can have—that is agape love. I think I can love you like that. I don’t not love you like that. There is also phileo, the kind of love between people who trust each other.” She smiled to take away the sting in her words, “I don’t know you well enough to have phileo love toward you.”
Aksinya look up from the sides of her eyes, “How might you come to love me like that?”
“By sharing together in work. By companionship and pleasant conversation. By sharing thoughts and ideas.”
“I see… I told you I murdered my lady-in-waiting. I know she loved me. I’m not certain I loved her.” Aksinya shook her head, “What is wrong with my eyes? They have been damp since I woke.”
“Let me look at them.” Ekaterina inspected Aksinya’s eyes, “What do you feel, Aksinya?”
“I feel very sad, and I feel great pain.”
“Your eyes are filled with tears.”
“I don’t remembering ever crying before.”
“But you are crying now.”
Aksinya laid her head on the table top, “Natalya cried all the time. I didn’t understand it. Do you think she was always sad? I think she loved me. Do you think she was that sad because of me?”
“I don’t know. Did you make her sad?”
“No, I think I loved her, but I killed her.” Aksinya let out a sob, “Why did I make that sound? What’s wrong with me?” Her shoulders shuddered.
Ekaterina moved next to Aksinya. She put her arms around the girl.
Aksinya is a person who does not understand normal human relationships or interaction. She was raised in a noble family to be a countess. She had few friends. We will find that she was ostracised in her own household. Aksinya chose sorcery and put away all the things of the world because of that. Now, she is coming to understand what it means to be human.
Ekaterina asks Aksinya to call her by her name. This is familiar, but not unacceptable or wrong for the culture. Since Ekaterina is an older woman, she could demand Aksinya call her by her title, but she doesn't. Aksinya already gave up her title--she just wishes to be Aksinya now. That is not possible in this culture and especially for the Matushka. Aksinya begs Ekaterina in the only way she knows to beg--because of what she is.
Then, do you see? The purpose of a Matushka is to take care of the women in the Ecclesia. Ekaterina is well equipped to aid Aksinya. Listen to her words and response. Perhaps few will ever have the opportunity to look after a person as broken as Aksinya, but Ekaterina knows what to do and how to respond. She reminds Aksinya that she knows all Aksinya's confession--everything Aksinya told the priests.
Aksinya's response: “…then you hate me.” Aksinya spent a while being rejected physically by the church--she expects to be rejected by those in the church. Ekaterina's answer is classic. It depends on what you mean by love and hate. Love comes in many flavors--this is a new lesson for Aksinya. Agape vs. phileo the love of God compared to the love of man. Aksinya wishes to be loved, but we knew that. She has been seeking love since the beginning of this novel. She sought it from her family who unfortunately died and could not know the benefit she tried to purchase for them nor the cost of that benefit. She sought comfort within herself. She sought love through luxuria, sorcery, and lust. It all comes down to the same thing. Aksinya wishes to be appreciated for who and what she is; therefore, she is very interested in how she might win love like that.
Those thoughts turn Aksinya's mind to Natalya. She believes she murdered her lady-in-waiting. Aksinya doesn't know what love is; she only knows that Natalya told her she loved her more than once. Aksinya wants to know what is wrong with her eyes. Aksinya has been crying. We realize, with Ekaterina's words, Aksinya has been crying since she woke. Her eyes are filled with tears. Natalya cried all the time, was she always sad? Was she sad because of me? Aksinya is really thinking for the first time about someone else and about her own effect on another person.
This is the first time Aksinya showed this kind of emotion. She couldn't cry for her family. She couldn't mourn them. She couldn't cry for Ernst or for Natalya--not before. Aksinya is so unaccustomed to emotions, she doesn't realize what is happening to her. Notice, there is very little description in this scene. You are experiencing almost 100% of the scene through conversation. This piece ends with Ekaterina consoling the sad Aksinya. Tomorrow, more of this interaction.
For those who haven’t been following this blog, let me introduce it a little. I am currently blogging my 21st novel that has the working title Daemon. The novel is about Aksinya, a sorceress, who, to save her family from the Bolsheviks, called and contracted the demon, Asmodeus. Her family was murdered anyway, and she fled with the demon from Russia to Austria.
Aksinya confessed to the priests and Matushka at the Ecclesia in Wien. She wakes the next morning and is greeted by Matushka Ekaterina...
Ekaterina smiled, “You may call me Ekaterina, Countess.”
Aksinya’s lips didn’t exactly smile, but they turned up a little, “I wish you would call me Aksinya.”
“You know that isn’t possible, Countess.”
“It would please me, Ekaterina. Because of what I really am.”
“We all have our own problems… and sins… even the nobility.”
“Perhaps you don’t understand…”
“I heard it all last night.”
“Oh…then you hate me.”
Ekaterina laughed, “Not anymore than anyone else. It depends on what you mean by hate… and love. You know your Greek?”
Aksinya nodded.
“I am called to love you with the love only God can have—that is agape love. I think I can love you like that. I don’t not love you like that. There is also phileo, the kind of love between people who trust each other.” She smiled to take away the sting in her words, “I don’t know you well enough to have phileo love toward you.”
Aksinya look up from the sides of her eyes, “How might you come to love me like that?”
“By sharing together in work. By companionship and pleasant conversation. By sharing thoughts and ideas.”
“I see… I told you I murdered my lady-in-waiting. I know she loved me. I’m not certain I loved her.” Aksinya shook her head, “What is wrong with my eyes? They have been damp since I woke.”
“Let me look at them.” Ekaterina inspected Aksinya’s eyes, “What do you feel, Aksinya?”
“I feel very sad, and I feel great pain.”
“Your eyes are filled with tears.”
“I don’t remembering ever crying before.”
“But you are crying now.”
Aksinya laid her head on the table top, “Natalya cried all the time. I didn’t understand it. Do you think she was always sad? I think she loved me. Do you think she was that sad because of me?”
“I don’t know. Did you make her sad?”
“No, I think I loved her, but I killed her.” Aksinya let out a sob, “Why did I make that sound? What’s wrong with me?” Her shoulders shuddered.
Ekaterina moved next to Aksinya. She put her arms around the girl.
Aksinya is a person who does not understand normal human relationships or interaction. She was raised in a noble family to be a countess. She had few friends. We will find that she was ostracised in her own household. Aksinya chose sorcery and put away all the things of the world because of that. Now, she is coming to understand what it means to be human.
Ekaterina asks Aksinya to call her by her name. This is familiar, but not unacceptable or wrong for the culture. Since Ekaterina is an older woman, she could demand Aksinya call her by her title, but she doesn't. Aksinya already gave up her title--she just wishes to be Aksinya now. That is not possible in this culture and especially for the Matushka. Aksinya begs Ekaterina in the only way she knows to beg--because of what she is.
Then, do you see? The purpose of a Matushka is to take care of the women in the Ecclesia. Ekaterina is well equipped to aid Aksinya. Listen to her words and response. Perhaps few will ever have the opportunity to look after a person as broken as Aksinya, but Ekaterina knows what to do and how to respond. She reminds Aksinya that she knows all Aksinya's confession--everything Aksinya told the priests.
Aksinya's response: “…then you hate me.” Aksinya spent a while being rejected physically by the church--she expects to be rejected by those in the church. Ekaterina's answer is classic. It depends on what you mean by love and hate. Love comes in many flavors--this is a new lesson for Aksinya. Agape vs. phileo the love of God compared to the love of man. Aksinya wishes to be loved, but we knew that. She has been seeking love since the beginning of this novel. She sought it from her family who unfortunately died and could not know the benefit she tried to purchase for them nor the cost of that benefit. She sought comfort within herself. She sought love through luxuria, sorcery, and lust. It all comes down to the same thing. Aksinya wishes to be appreciated for who and what she is; therefore, she is very interested in how she might win love like that.
Those thoughts turn Aksinya's mind to Natalya. She believes she murdered her lady-in-waiting. Aksinya doesn't know what love is; she only knows that Natalya told her she loved her more than once. Aksinya wants to know what is wrong with her eyes. Aksinya has been crying. We realize, with Ekaterina's words, Aksinya has been crying since she woke. Her eyes are filled with tears. Natalya cried all the time, was she always sad? Was she sad because of me? Aksinya is really thinking for the first time about someone else and about her own effect on another person.
This is the first time Aksinya showed this kind of emotion. She couldn't cry for her family. She couldn't mourn them. She couldn't cry for Ernst or for Natalya--not before. Aksinya is so unaccustomed to emotions, she doesn't realize what is happening to her. Notice, there is very little description in this scene. You are experiencing almost 100% of the scene through conversation. This piece ends with Ekaterina consoling the sad Aksinya. Tomorrow, more of this interaction.
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